{"id":179,"date":"2026-07-24T21:30:56","date_gmt":"2026-07-24T21:30:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/?p=179"},"modified":"2026-08-12T21:44:39","modified_gmt":"2026-08-12T21:44:39","slug":"the-one-question-nobody-asks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/the-one-question-nobody-asks\/","title":{"rendered":"The One Question Nobody Asks"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What It\u2019s Really Like on the Caregiver Journey<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>By Sue Jones<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, everyone understandably turns their attention to the patient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">How are they doing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What did the doctor say?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When is the surgery?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What treatment comes next?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">How are they feeling?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Those are important questions. I asked them too. In fact, for a long time, they became the questions around which our entire life revolved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But there is another person standing just outside the spotlight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The caregiver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And there is one question that, surprisingly, very few people think to ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>How are you doing?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When Mike was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer, it felt as though our lives changed in an instant. We had been looking forward to retirement, travel, and finally having more time to enjoy the life we had spent decades building together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Suddenly, our calendar was filled with doctors, scans, appointments, surgery, test results, and decisions we never imagined we would have to make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Mike was the one with cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But cancer came into our home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It sat at our dinner table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It came to bed with us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It traveled in the car to every appointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And even when we weren&#8217;t talking about it, it was there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As his wife, my instinct was simple: <strong>Take care of Mike.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Make sure we understood what the doctors were saying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Remember the questions we wanted to ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Keep track of medications.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Help after surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Watch for problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Encourage him when recovery wasn&#8217;t happening quickly enough for his liking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Be strong when he was afraid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And somehow keep our normal life moving in the background.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What I didn&#8217;t understand at first was that somewhere along the way, it becomes very easy for a caregiver to disappear inside the caregiving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You become the strong one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And once people decide you&#8217;re the strong one, they often stop wondering whether being strong is costing you anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There were moments when I was terrified too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I worried about the cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I worried about surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I worried about what the pathology would show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I worried about whether the treatments would work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I worried about side effects and what they might mean for Mike physically and emotionally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And selfishly\u2014although I don&#8217;t think it really is selfish\u2014I worried about us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Our marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Our plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Our future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The man I had built my life with was facing something neither of us could control, and there were times when all I wanted was for someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Of course, nobody could promise that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So you learn to live in the uncertainty together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Caregivers Don&#8217;t Always Get to Fall Apart<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There is an interesting dynamic that happens when you are caring for someone you love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You don&#8217;t want to add to their burden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If Mike was having a difficult day, I didn&#8217;t necessarily want to tell him that I was scared too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If he was worried about his next test, I didn&#8217;t want my fear to become another thing he had to carry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So sometimes you put your own emotions on a shelf.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You tell yourself you&#8217;ll deal with them later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But \u201clater\u201d has a way of getting pushed farther and farther away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That&#8217;s one of the things I wish more people understood about caregiving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Being strong doesn&#8217;t mean you aren&#8217;t scared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Being supportive doesn&#8217;t mean you aren&#8217;t exhausted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Being optimistic doesn&#8217;t mean you don&#8217;t sometimes imagine the worst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And loving someone deeply doesn&#8217;t magically give you all the answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sometimes love simply means staying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sitting beside them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Holding their hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And saying, <strong>\u201cWhatever comes next, we&#8217;re going to face it together.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Little Things Become the Big Things<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some of the moments I remember most aren&#8217;t the dramatic ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They are the ordinary ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Getting Mike settled after surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Watching him regain a little independence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Seeing frustration on his face when his body wasn&#8217;t recovering as quickly as he wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Celebrating progress that probably wouldn&#8217;t have looked significant to anyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Laughing about something completely unrelated to cancer and suddenly realizing how much we needed that laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Those moments taught me that caregiving isn&#8217;t always about doing something heroic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Most of the time, it is simply showing up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Mike once described me as his <strong>soft place to land<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That meant more to me than he probably realized.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Because I wanted to be that place for him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I&#8217;ve also learned that the person providing the soft place needs somewhere to land too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Ask the Caregiver<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If someone you know is going through cancer\u2014or any serious illness\u2014please ask the patient how they&#8217;re doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But then turn to the person standing beside them and ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>\u201cAnd how are you doing?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And don&#8217;t accept \u201cI&#8217;m fine\u201d too quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ask again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Invite them to coffee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Send them a message that isn&#8217;t asking for a medical update.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Offer to sit with the patient so the caregiver can take an hour for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Bring dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Listen without trying to solve anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can give a caregiver is permission to admit:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>\u201cThis is hard for me too.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That doesn&#8217;t take anything away from the person who is sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It simply acknowledges that serious illness rarely happens to only one person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It happens to relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Families.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Dreams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Everyone who loves the person facing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">We&#8217;re Still Learning<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I don&#8217;t pretend to have caregiving figured out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Neither Mike nor I chose this road.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We&#8217;re learning as we go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There have been difficult days and frightening moments, but there have also been unexpected gifts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We talk differently now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We appreciate ordinary days more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We understand how quickly plans can change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And perhaps most importantly, we have become more intentional about the life we still have in front of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Cancer changed our plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But it doesn&#8217;t get to decide everything that comes next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Mike has his journey through cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I have my journey beside him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And somewhere along the way, those two journeys have become part of a larger story we hope can help another patient, another spouse, or another family feel a little less alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So if you are a caregiver reading this, I want to ask you the question I wish more people would ask:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>How are you doing?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your story matters too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your fear matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your exhaustion matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your hope matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And taking care of yourself isn&#8217;t abandoning the person you love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It&#8217;s part of loving them for the long road ahead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Real life. Real journeys. Real hope.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>And so\u2026 the adventure continues.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2014 Sue<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What It\u2019s Really Like on the Caregiver Journey By Sue Jones When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, everyone understandably turns their attention to the patient. How\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":184,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_wp_convertkit_post_meta":{"form":"-1","landing_page":"0","tag":"0","restrict_content":"0"},"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[29,23,25,22,24],"class_list":["post-179","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-caregiver-stories","tag-cancer-journey","tag-cancer-treatment","tag-caregiver-story","tag-caregiver-support","tag-our-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/179","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=179"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/179\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":182,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/179\/revisions\/182"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/184"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=179"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=179"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonesingforthejourney.com\/journal\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=179"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}